"Or Maybe I like the Stress"
Nov. 14th, 2018 07:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
miss_mimsyIt's been a busy number of days and I am still reeling with all the emotional processing I have to do. I had an absolutely fantastic weekend and I am so glad that I wasn't at fair. It was so wonderful not to have to deal with the drama.
While it's not all DA and I can't blame him for my frustrations, I believe that there is only so much I can take and he has pushed me well past my limit.
I saw my therapist and she challenged me to think very carefully about whether or not I really need to be at fair this year. Will I really enjoy being there if I feel like I have to be on constant guard? After this past weekend, where I felt safe and supported, I absolutely see her point. It isn't that I feel that anyone will attack me physically. However, I learned a lot about energy exchanges this past weekend and I feel like there is a lot of negative energy headed my way and I am not sure that is healthy for me.
However I learned about something else this past weekend. There are two kinds of fun. There is the fun that happens when one participates in an enjoyable activity, (e.g. Type 1 Fun). The second type is fun once it's done (e. g. Type 2 Fun). I believe doing the fair with all the crap going on would be Type 2 fun at best.
I believe that Saturday especially, but first the weekend in general, is going to involve a lot of social anxiety on my part. A lot of the anxiety is based around what could happen. Ideally everyone will act like adults and things will be fine. My two biggest sources of anxiety are people who have not demonstrated the ability to behave appropriately in public. It isn't that I am worried about being attacked, that would almost be a relief. My character, Faith, could take just about anyone on in a verbal conflict and at least come to a draw, if not win outright. A physical attack from either sources of my sources of anxiety is even less likely to happen. While I am not one to encourage physical conflict, at least something would be resolved.
However the problem is that there is no resolution. There is just ignoring the behavior and hoping that people won't get caught in the cross fire. Such a situation is hugely anxiety inducing and creates s huge stress factor for me. I could see the people that concern me and have nothing happen. However at any point, something could happen. If not this coming weekend, then the next weekend or the weekend after.
I tried. I really did. I tried to come to some sort of arrangement with DA. My overtures were misinterpreted as an interest to immediately resume a friendship after what has become a very acrimonious break up. All I wanted was an agreement that we would give each other space. DA didn't respected our agreement from the first day of rehearsals. I foolishly tried to ask what was wrong and what was causing his behavior. In response I received an incredibly condescending e-mail explaining why we couldn't be friends right now and that he needed space and time to heal.
In response, I reminded DA that he chose to read this blog (before it was moved, I doubt he can read it now). I reminded him that he chose: to participate in the fair. If he wanted to get space from me so he could heal could then he could have left me the fuck alone and involved himself in other activities. I am not the one stalking him online nor am I currently engaging in the hobbies he introduced me to. I have to wonder how I ever cared for someone who turned out to be such a fucking hypocrite.
I figure that he will ignore me. However, DA has demonstrated in the past that agreements and rules don't matter when they are inconvenient. I hope that he will leave me be, I feel that seeing DA is going to require a certain amount of energy. I will be waiting to see if he will leave me alone or if they manage to fob off more of his drama on me and at no point will I ever believe that I won't have to deal with his crap until the run of fair is over.
Then there is the other person who is at fair. He made my life miserable when we were in the same cast. He said nasty things the year after he got himself kicked off of our cast (and I was in no way involved in the incident that resulted in his expulsion). He pushed boundaries last year. It was difficult then and I am not looking forward to another year of it. One of the directors has gone out of their way to ease my anxiety. They can't control the person in question, but they have given me useful information so that I can feel prepared. I still need to have energy
I am going to try and go to the fair this weekend. I am hoping that things will go well. I am hoping that I can tell my therapist at my next appointment that fair is worth the effort. But I can't remember the last time that I had to deal with this kind of drama. I know I am a drama queen, but if I could figure out how to make this go away and have a quiet fair, I would.
Today's song was hard to find until I found it; then it was super obvious.
While it's not all DA and I can't blame him for my frustrations, I believe that there is only so much I can take and he has pushed me well past my limit.
I saw my therapist and she challenged me to think very carefully about whether or not I really need to be at fair this year. Will I really enjoy being there if I feel like I have to be on constant guard? After this past weekend, where I felt safe and supported, I absolutely see her point. It isn't that I feel that anyone will attack me physically. However, I learned a lot about energy exchanges this past weekend and I feel like there is a lot of negative energy headed my way and I am not sure that is healthy for me.
However I learned about something else this past weekend. There are two kinds of fun. There is the fun that happens when one participates in an enjoyable activity, (e.g. Type 1 Fun). The second type is fun once it's done (e. g. Type 2 Fun). I believe doing the fair with all the crap going on would be Type 2 fun at best.
I believe that Saturday especially, but first the weekend in general, is going to involve a lot of social anxiety on my part. A lot of the anxiety is based around what could happen. Ideally everyone will act like adults and things will be fine. My two biggest sources of anxiety are people who have not demonstrated the ability to behave appropriately in public. It isn't that I am worried about being attacked, that would almost be a relief. My character, Faith, could take just about anyone on in a verbal conflict and at least come to a draw, if not win outright. A physical attack from either sources of my sources of anxiety is even less likely to happen. While I am not one to encourage physical conflict, at least something would be resolved.
However the problem is that there is no resolution. There is just ignoring the behavior and hoping that people won't get caught in the cross fire. Such a situation is hugely anxiety inducing and creates s huge stress factor for me. I could see the people that concern me and have nothing happen. However at any point, something could happen. If not this coming weekend, then the next weekend or the weekend after.
I tried. I really did. I tried to come to some sort of arrangement with DA. My overtures were misinterpreted as an interest to immediately resume a friendship after what has become a very acrimonious break up. All I wanted was an agreement that we would give each other space. DA didn't respected our agreement from the first day of rehearsals. I foolishly tried to ask what was wrong and what was causing his behavior. In response I received an incredibly condescending e-mail explaining why we couldn't be friends right now and that he needed space and time to heal.
In response, I reminded DA that he chose to read this blog (before it was moved, I doubt he can read it now). I reminded him that he chose: to participate in the fair. If he wanted to get space from me so he could heal could then he could have left me the fuck alone and involved himself in other activities. I am not the one stalking him online nor am I currently engaging in the hobbies he introduced me to. I have to wonder how I ever cared for someone who turned out to be such a fucking hypocrite.
I figure that he will ignore me. However, DA has demonstrated in the past that agreements and rules don't matter when they are inconvenient. I hope that he will leave me be, I feel that seeing DA is going to require a certain amount of energy. I will be waiting to see if he will leave me alone or if they manage to fob off more of his drama on me and at no point will I ever believe that I won't have to deal with his crap until the run of fair is over.
Then there is the other person who is at fair. He made my life miserable when we were in the same cast. He said nasty things the year after he got himself kicked off of our cast (and I was in no way involved in the incident that resulted in his expulsion). He pushed boundaries last year. It was difficult then and I am not looking forward to another year of it. One of the directors has gone out of their way to ease my anxiety. They can't control the person in question, but they have given me useful information so that I can feel prepared. I still need to have energy
I am going to try and go to the fair this weekend. I am hoping that things will go well. I am hoping that I can tell my therapist at my next appointment that fair is worth the effort. But I can't remember the last time that I had to deal with this kind of drama. I know I am a drama queen, but if I could figure out how to make this go away and have a quiet fair, I would.
Today's song was hard to find until I found it; then it was super obvious.
